Lucky Me! Supreme "Special Beef Mami"

Brand: Lucky Me! Supreme
Flavour: Special Beef Mami
Format: foam bowl
Packets: 3
Identifiables: noodle disc, flavour powder, veggie bits, crackers, garlic oil
Sodium: 1.61 grams (0.05 grams in crackers)

I wanted a light lunch today, so I grabbed a small bowl. It stood out for having very little red on the package; most brands have plenty of red, orange, or brown to imply full flavour and possibly spice. Not this. This is a tame, laid-back ramen for a world that needs to relax, it implies. Maybe it needed fewer packets for that, I thought. It also stood out for the brand name, "Lucky Me!" We shall see, I thought.

The instructions promised a simple procedure; add seasoning to noodles, add boiling water to line, wait three minutes, and then enjoy. I expected one packet at most. I peeled the foil lid from the sturdy foam bowl and found three-and-a-half packets – one of them was an accursed double-packet! Also, one of them was not meant to be mixed in at all, and instead contained "Fita" brand (?) crackers. (I could not help but notice that the company logo on the cracker packet bore a gentle resemblance to the Venture Industries logo.) I boiled water, ate a cracker, then snapped a photo. As a note, they were very tasty, somewhat like Ritz crackers but with less cloying salty-butter flavour.

The veggie packet opened easily, but the double-packet was the annoyance. Shoddy manufacturing meant that a bit of garlic oil had lubricated the plastic, which coupled with insufficient pinking (that's what we call the zig-zag edge meant to allow easy tearing) to create a necessity for scissors. Bah! I snipped and poured, just in time to add water and wait.

The result, I'm sad to say, was even more underwhelming than the package. Perhaps there's a distant beefiness, but it tastes more as though someone made saltines very slightly seasoned to taste like French onion soup by someone who had never actually tasted such a thing, allowed them to get stale, then decided the results could be salvaged if turned into soup. The crackers ended up being of more interest, but the hunger had stuck and I found myself compelled to down the rest of the salt-heavy bowl of blandness.

Except... I realised just how oily it seemed, and when I saw the congealed grease slowly slide down the inside of the bowl when I tilted it to drink the broth... well, let's just say I didn't drink the broth. I even feel a bit off for just having had the noodles. Plus, I didn't even notice until after I'd already eaten it that it has hydrogenated oils, meaning trans fats, so it's actually legitimately bad for me.

Oh, yes. Lucky me, indeed.

Numbers: packaging 3, preparation 2, heat 1, flavour 1, overall 1

Music: Csaba Gigor, Gábor Foltán - Ecco the Dolphin (GG) - Dark Water