Golden Wheat "Korean Style Stew Pork Flavour"

Brand: Golden Wheat
Flavour: Korean Style Stew Pork Flavour
Format: brick-in-packet
Packets: three
Identifiables: noodle wall, veggie bits, flavour powder, pork sludge
Sodium: 2.31 grams

Just look at that package. This sort of ramen can be a nightmare if you're not prepared. The packet has no fewer than four languages. Even knowing two of them, I feel ill-equipped to tackle the thing. It reads "porc cubes" very clearly, and how could that possibly scare me, right? Perhaps the best part is that special care is taken to inform me that this is a "cooking noodle". Is that a noodle that can cook? Is that a noodle one uses to cook with? Is it already in the process of slow-cooking within the packet like self-heating coffee?

The directions are simple. "Put noodle and flavouring bag into boiling water (700ml) for 5–6 minutes and then it is ready for serving." The first point I'll note is that a package explicit enough to tell me that the noodle inside is for cooking somehow misses the critical steps of opening the flavouring bag... or that there are three such sachets inside, none of them labelled in English or French. The next point is that the French cooking directions have the header "MODE D'EMPLOL" which... is... sort of close. Finally, not only are there microwave directions, but a second set of "spaghetti cooking directions" below are basically exactly the same except for omitting the flavouring. The only logical interpretation of this is as a warning sign, a method of giving the consumer a second chance to "add your favourite pasta sauce". I considered following the implicit advice, but that would be unfair to you, dear readers.

The packaging was all easy to open, and the inner packets were rather well pinked. One of those packets contained standard-issue vegetable bits. A second had sand-like flavouring powder. The third, however, held a bizarre sort of grainy orange-brown oily sludge that took real work to squeeze out of the packet and into the pot. A small glob accidentally hit the burner, and I readied myself to open a window, but not a single wisp of smoke came from the lump as it boiled away. I suppose inexplicable things happen sometimes.

After five minutes, I poured the cooked mess into the bowl and found that there were indeed tiny little cubes of something vaguely resembling fried pork. My ramen had more pork in it than the average can of "pork n' beans"! And the aroma, the thick, enticing aroma....

This ramen tastes like Pork. I could say it tastes like pork, but it's more than that; it's a lot of pork, and once I've said that I realise that it's actually more pork than pork is, so it must be the very essence of pork, hence the capitalisation. Read it a second time: this ramen tastes like Pork. There are little bits of cabbage and carrot and such, and they provide a nice counterpoint to the Pork. Cooking the perfectly-textured noodles with all the flavouring means that they've even absorbed a goodly measure of Pork. I can't stop eating it. The broth is even more intense, like a sort of unholy and addictive pig nectar or something. This instant noodle is unfairly awesome. The only way this could be better is if I didn't have to prepare it in a pot but... well, actually opened it up to find just-cooked noodles.

I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned here.

Numbers: packaging 3, preparation 2, heat 1, flavour 5, overall 5
Music: Ryoji Yoshitomi - Wario Land 4 (GBA) - Arabian Night

Indomie "Mi goreng Satay / Mi goreng Pedas"

Brand: Indomie
Flavour: Mi goreng Satay / Mi goreng Pedas
Format: brick-in-packet
Packets: five
Identifiables: noodle brick, fried onion bits, sludgy oil, flavour powder, chili powder
Sodium: 0.78 grams / 0.92 grams

According to Wikipedia, Indomie has released eleven flavours of their instant Mi goreng noodles. I have now tried six of these (1, 2, 3, 4, and the present two), and a seventh which isn't even mentioned on Wikipedia. Comparatively, Diet Coke has twelve varieties released worldwide. Every single variety of Diet Coke tastes like a rusty android urinated into a bottle. Fortunately, every variety of Indomie's Mi goreng tastes like plain Mi goreng: pretty good, and with some little thing added on top of the base flavour.

Thus, this review shall be brief. I tried my remaining two flavours in the same lunch because I was rather hungry. The label of the Satay uses a maroon theme, while that of the Pedas is bright red. Appearance and preparation are precisely the same as every other Mi goreng packet. The Satay tastes like someone added a little peanut sauce to an otherwise straightforward Mi goreng, and the resulting flavour is... basically Mi goreng. The Pedas tastes like someone added a little hot sauce to an otherwise straightforward Mi goreng, and the resulting flavour is... basically Mi goreng. There you have it.

There, done with the Mi goreng and the short-form pictureless reviews. I know you lot look forward to the pictures of piping hot ramen, so those shall return. For now, dear readers, you'll just have to content yourselves with marvelling at how everyone has a greater fascination for the "Maruchan Yakisoba: Cheddar Cheese Flavor" – arguably closer to the nature of Diet Coke than Mi goreng – than anything else on this blog.

Numbers: packaging 2, preparation 2, heat 3/4, flavour 4, overall 3
Music: Neil D. Voss - Tetrisphere (N64) - Magic Fluter

Nong Shim "Kimchi Ramyun"

Brand: Nong Shim
Flavour: Kimchi Ramyun
Format: brick-in-packet
Packets: two
Identifiables: noodle disc, veggie bits, flavour powder
Sodium: 2.26 grams

Occasionally, I travel to other places. Sometimes, when in those other places, I visit international markets. Frequently, upon visiting those international markets in other places, I buy instant noodles I've not yet seen. This is one of those times.

Unfortunately, these aren't always terribly interesting. Nong Shim has attempted to take the winning Shin Ramyun formula and adapted it to a kimchi flavour. Anyhow, I'll cut the review short and say that they haven't really succeeded. (I decided to be a little unorthodox with this review and prepare it dry-style, but that doesn't really affect the flavour.) I associate a certain tone with kimchi, a rather more vegetably (!) sort of thing than this particular noodle provides. It's spicy, but a bit less so than Shin Ramyun, which might be a plus to many of you. The vegetable flavour does come through a bit more, and the rich slightly-beefy flavour is perhaps a little less present, but these are more nitpicks than actual distinctions. If you like Shin Ramyun, you'll like this almost as much... but I must say, I'm still planning to buy the family packs of Shin Ramyun for my regular noodle enjoyment.

Yes, I buy Shin Ramyun in five-packs. I'm that dedicated. Someday I might go back and change the numbers on my old review....

Numbers: packaging 4, preparation 2, heat 4, flavour 3, overall 3
Music: Jake Kaufman - Shantae (GBC) - Tinkerbot Boss Battle

Maggi "Vegetable Atta Noodles: Masala"

Brand: Maggi
Flavour: Vegetable Atta Noodles: Masala
Format: brick-in-packet
Packets: one
Identifiables: noodle brick, flavour powder, dried veggies
Sodium: 0.97 grams

A few years back, my wife brought home a handful of interesting items she'd found at a small international market. One of them was a packet of what looked like ramen, but claimed to be flavoured with masala curry. Indian ramen? At the time, such a thing was incredible, beyond my wildest dreams!

These days, I can review such a thing objectively and scientifically. So, I started by picking a flavour at random. The result was a packet which also claimed to be masala, but with "vegetable atta noodles" which, it turns out, are wheat noodles and a foil sachet containing both flavour powder and dried vegetables. I've joked before about how Indomie adds separate packets the way Gillette adds blades to disposable razors – which is, to say, with absurd abandon – but Maggi seems to have the opposite philosophy, and in no way am I complaining.

As an interesting aside, they refer proudly to their flavour packets as "Tastemaker". I don't even have any clever comments right now. All right, just one, and it's that I can't help but think of the Tastemaker as one of those gaudy 80's era World Wrestling Foundation steroid-beasts shouting incoherently about what they'll prove in the ring and to whom. That's right... I was sincerely worried that I would open this pouch and have the Ultimate Warrior jump out at me. (Ultimate Warrior, please don't sue me.)

Unlike most other instant noodles which either intend for thre to be significant broth or require draining, these indicate a very specific amount of water. The noodles and flavouring go in simultaneously, cook for merely two minutes, and then the entirety of the result is served as is. The water is enough to cook the noodles by boiling and steam, and then it soaks into them and forms a sort of gravy with the flavour powder. It's clever and convenient, especially for one such as me who frequently prefers sauce to broth.

The cooking noodles smelled good enough. The real question was whether they would taste as good as the ones I remembered from several years previous. The sad answer is... no. It may well be a personal taste issue, but the initial scent and especially the flavour came across not too distantly from Play-Doh. (Yes... after all these years, I still remember the taste. I mean, scent.) The masala only came through strongly near the very end of the dish where the sauce had collected at the bottom. The vegetables were nice, however, and I couldn't help but think that all the dish would need is a slight tweak of the noodle recipe to be much more appealing... but then again, this may indeed be the intended flavour. I'll just have to try to find masala wheat noodles at the nearby Indian restaurant to compare.

I wonder if the Tastemaker has a theme song...? This thought distracted me so much that I forgot to photograph the cooked noodles.

Numbers: packaging 4, preparation 2, heat 2, flavour 2, overall 2
Music: David Wise - WWF WrestleMania Challenge (NES) - The Ultimate Warrior

Nissin "Macaroni Macaronis: Tom Yam Goong Flavour"

Brand: Nissin
Flavour: Macaroni Macaronis: Tom Yam Goong Flavour
Format: mylar pouch
Packets: two
Identifiables: macaroni, flavour powder, oily sludge
Sodium: 1.09 grams

I've reviewed macaroni and cheese. I've reviewed not-macaroni and cheese. Now, I review macaroni and not-cheese. If you enjoy the citrus-and-spice flavour of the Thai seafood soup known as tom yam goong then read on. If you don't enjoy it, then you're dead to me. Go away! (Okay, not really. You can stay.)

This particular journey starts with a packet which initially looks like any other ramen packet, except that the contents are loose and they rattle in that hollow way that only macaroni can. Inside the pouch are two smaller packets; one is opaque and filled with what looks and smells slightly like garlic powder, and the other is translucent to show the brown coagulation of oil and spice within. The latter smells very strongly of citrus, the key note in this dish.

Preparation is precisely the same as most other instant noodles. One needs only dump the contents into a half-litre of boiling water, wait three minutes, then stir in the contents of the packets and then enjoy. However, it is my firm belief that there should be one more step explicitly mentioned, and I would write it as such: "Let sit for two minutes such that the macaroni absorbs the broth and creeps toward the edge of the bowl like wheaty semi-sentient moss." This should be the inspiration for a dish to amaze kids. It amazed me a little, and I'm old enough to have a kid old enough to blog. (To think that my parents worried about how much time I spent on the computer...!)

Normally, I'd use a clear bowl, but only blue ones were available today. Still, I don't imagine much colour would show up in the broth anyhow. Aside from familiar orange oily dots at the surface, the broth is mostly clear. The flavour is subtler than expected, but that's in comparison to a dish which is renown for embarrassing those with delicate palates. It has a pronounced overtone of lime followed by chili and mixed seafood. The resulting hot-and-sour combination is satisfyingly tangy, though the instant version only comes so close as most similar ramen does.

As a note on the heat level... well, I have a confession to make. My last few reviews might be a little off. My tolerance for spice has risen sharply over the last few months, to where I order dishes at Thai and Indian restaurants "spicy as it would be back home" and I find the results to be comfortable, but not challenging. I'll do my best to attenuate that for the ratings, but I'm probably way off nowadays because I'd mark this a two and other would probably consider it a three-to-four.

Numbers: packaging 3, preparation 2, heat 3, flavour 3, overall 3
Music: Neil D. Voss - Star Reach (PC) - Scene 6

Ace Cook "Oomoriika Yakisoba"

Brand: Ace Cook
Flavour: Oomoriika Yakisoba
Format: styrofoam tray
Packets: three
Identifiables: noodle brick, dried veggies, dried squid slices, soy sauce, herbs
Sodium: 0.20 grams

I purchased a new camera (with the gracious assistance of my roommate, Tanya.) This means that the ramen reviews shall rise again, and with new and improved photos! Naturally, to celebrate this fact, I review a ramen with no name.

In all honesty, it has a name, but not one that I can read conveniently. There isn't a single word of English on the packaging. I had to match squiggles on the packets to squiggles in the instructions to figure out the order... though, truth told, I could have guessed at it since most yakisoba prepares exactly the same way. I even took a little time to decode the katakana and found it to be an approximation of the actual brand name, "Ace Cook". It isn't visible in the photo, but the little pig next to the brand name? I think that's Ace. Ace is happy because he didn't have to be the mascot for "Lucky Me!"

The bowl is very well-designed. It's quite similar to the one used in Nissin's UFO Big in that one peels back one corner, puts veggies and boiling water in, the peels the other corner after three minutes and drains. The big difference is that the drain spout is larger... much larger. In fact, it's excessively large. It peels back to about a third of the lid's diagonal dimension and has so many drain spouts that the top two rows never had any liquid come out of them. It's hard to complain too much, seeing as how the usual problem is that it takes forever to drain the noodles.

There are small icons on the lid of the bowl to direct this process, but they're not as straightforward as one might hope. I'm reminded of the first time I came across one of these bowls, well before I started the review blog. I thought that all the ingredients were meant to go in during cooking, like most simple noodle cups. It turns out that yakisoba is far better when it's not made as soup.

The flavour is pretty much what one can expect from instant yakisoba. It's basically slightly-sweet soy with some varied vegetables and wheaty, well-textured noodles. This is a winning combination, and this particular brand has nailed it dead on. The large chunks of reconstituted cabbage and squid are quite welcome. Squid frequently scares us Occidental folks away from such a dish, but in the quantity found here, it doesn't provide a fishy flavour so much as a rich, satisfying meaty tone which really appeals. I imagine I could hand the prepared meal to somebody who didn't know it had squid, and they'd likely never realise.

I feel that the only way to improve the bowl itself would be to include a fork... or a naruto.

Numbers: packaging 4, preparation 4, heat 1, flavour 4, overall 4
Music: po! & Mustin - More Than Mario - Zebes Sunrise

Pulmuone "Fresh Noodles with Black Bean Sauce"

Brand: Pulmuone
Flavour: Fresh Noodles with Black Bean Sauce
Format: plastic bag
Packets: four
Identifiables: noodle nest, bean sludge
Sodium: 2.02 grams

Two months! I know, all you Keet fans out there are wondering if I fell off the planet. Rest assured that I did not. I have, however, had a turbulent time of it, and the worst part is that the camera I was using gave up the ghost. I didn't want to use my phone's camera because it's not the greatest, but the replacement camera I ordered is on indefinite backorder and I didn't want to leave everyone hanging forever.

This particular dish is quite a departure from instant ramen, but it's fun enough that I had to share. It's a sizable plastic bag from the refrigerated section of the market. It has a nice picture on it of a bowl of jjajang, a Korean noodle dish with black bean sauce. Note that the picture does not have the sauce mixed in to the noodles. That's because once mixed, the result is a terrifyingly nasty-looking concoction which could turn one away on the spot if not for the delightful smell of it. It's not only real food, but it's really good food when done right.

When I tore the large bag open, I found four packets inside, two matching pairs. One pair was translucent, showing the sturdy-looking what noodles inside. The other pair consisted of thick silver mylar pouches like one might see holding ready-to-eat meals in a camping supply store.

The first part of assembling the dish was easy; boil water, add noodles, cook for four minutes, drain. The catch is that the second part involved boiling more water and heating up the silver packets, then opening the hot packets over the noodles. That's right, it requires either a second pot, or the patience to fill the first one again and then let the noodles get cold while the sauce heats. I went for the second pot. Then there's the tricky step of opening a thick plastic packet full of hot black bean sauce and not making a disaster or scalding oneself. There are notches on the packets for this, but the force required to tear them open makes that a difficult and messy proposition, so a scissors came in handy.

Fortunately, the result was very pleasant. The black bean sauce is heavy, but well-balanced. The deep, rich flavour of it goes well with the wheat noodles. The vegetables weren't terribly plentiful, but quite welcome. The catch is that there's perhaps too much sauce for the noodles, and I'd have balanced them out differently, and with a little less sauce I might have had an easier time picking noodles up with chopsticks. The other catch is that preparation is a little complex and possibly risky. This isn't a pour-and-forget cup noodle; this is an instant meal that has to be kept in the fridge until it's prepared. For that, however, it's incredibly tasty.

Anyhow... you're unlikely to find this outside a Pal-Do Market or similar international place, so just enjoy the pictures. (Then go read Thirteen Ribbons, the serial writing project I've been engaged in while I haven't been reviewing ramen.)

Numbers: packaging 2, preparation 1, heat 0, flavour 5, overall 3
Music: Jivemaster - OCRemix - Sonic 3D Blast Power Puppet